Project Lore

Sorry healers, but I'm going to have to do this. I always hate being the one to blow the spot of some people in raids, but it's time to do it. As a healer I can stand up and proudly say: Healing numbers are a joke. -deep breath- Now I feel better saying that, I'll totally explain why. Healing numbers have been broken for a while, and people don't realize it. They've always went back and looked at overall healing and boss healing and decided who to continue to take on a raid. Healing numbers are funneled in through many programs, most popular being Recount. It is a glorified spreadsheet program tracking all stats of a fight, from DPS to Healing. The problem that stands is no program is as smart as the healers who are tracked by it. You can twist or sway numbers to really show how great or lazy you really are. The general consensus is that, you get a base idea of who is doing what in a raid, and that is a really helpful tool. I, myself, am a Holy Paladin. I'm useless to multiple targets (for the most part), and I really am there for one purpose - Tank Survivability. However, most healers numbers are so skewed, it's hilarious. Next time you’re in a raid and between pulls, watch who’s healing while everyone is eating for the next pull. Don't think we're not totally sandbagging our numbers so we continue to be brought. Healers are the biggest whores of all. Warlocks? Feel free to Lifetap away, you're giving me a raid spot - do it mid-fight even. I’ll heal you through any damage you want to take. Just remember to whisper me first, so I can get the first heal off. Retribution paladins? I adore Seal of Blood/Martyr you're going to give me a shot at t7.5 next week. Don’t tell the guy forming the raid though, he'll never understand. Yes, I Beacon of Light and Holy Shock during the vortex phase of Malygos. During that phase, you can only use an instant heal. I'll Beacon of Light myself and heal the tank because two heals show better than one. Yes I stand in black circles from time to time, to take damage to heal myself (purely for mana reasons...of course). Sometimes, I'm just mashing the heal buttons and not even sure if I’m hitting anything. The whole time most of your healers are playing a cat and mouse game with how much damage we can let in, while still making our numbers look like I am the Lightbringer. There is even fight mechanics that make me a total cheater. Sometimes I just look forward to Patchwerk. That fight mechanic is money for a Holy Paladin. The fight takes 3 tanks in a 25 man raid, and spike damages them over and over again with a "Hateful Swing". This hateful swing is an 80k damage swipe before an kind of mitigation. I really get to just spam Holy light, and watch my number get higher than Michael Phelps. Seriously it's Beacon of Light one hateful tank + Holy light spam = Win. Nothing like flaunting the numbers to Patchwerk to make my cyber-ego grow larger than the monster from “Cloverfield.” All in all, I’m amazed we’re even tabbed in for fights we aren’t cheating on. Most healers are such Twitch playing, Monster drink addicted, DDR playing, Chemical Brothers listening, Strobe light rave dancing, Nancy boys, that you should probably put a leash on us to make sure we don’t wander off to our own death (only cause we're following you because of the text we just got). Seriously, We do text/twitter/call people while we're healing especially if the current fight doesn't lend it's self to our style/spec. The flat out basics are, Numbers don't take in the mechanics and team play of the healers.  I'm designed to be a wrecking ball with my healing in terms of just giving enormous burst heals. On high damage fights I'm so high on healing numbers that it will take 4 bosses to get other healers within range of me. Healing numbers don't take into account I'm healing special items, or that some heals are smart heals and some brute force designed with the intent of pouring on as much healing as it can. Some fights you pile the raid into a small spot, and can heal the group easier in a pile. It totally eliminates the need one big heal and a ton of small heals are better, depending on what fights you pick in some raids -- Your best healers may show up as your worst on those given nights. So next time you’re sitting there worried about getting heals, don't worry. Unless you pull threat off of a tank and wipe an undying attempt over a misdirect – you'll get healed from the healers. If your raid stays alive, healers are doing their jobs. Know that, it’s a healer party composition that will together be better than the sum of its numbers. Know that your healers are sandbaggers too, and I just exposed our dirty secret of the “Health Limbo.” How low can you go, before we let you fall? Am I right healers? Can I get an Amen?

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